"House of Torment" (or "Sugar's Neighbor")

If you're going to Austin's House of Torment anytime soon, don't rely on iPhone, Google Maps, or any other search engine for directions, because you will end up right where my classmates and I did: LOST.

If you want to get there more quickly, follow these directions:

1. Be in the vicinity of Highland Mall (North of 290 and West of 35, if you want to get technical).
2. When you are unsure of yourself, take a few rights and too many lefts.
3. Look up, and you will find that you are, in fact, on Highland Mall Boulevard.
4. Stay confident; you are almost there.
5. Pull into Sugar's Uptown Cabaret and take note of their daily lunch specials.
6. Walk up to the front desk and ask for Kate (she will guide you in the right direction).
7. Kate will tell you House of Torment is right across the street: "See where it says 'Haunted House'?"
8. Don't be alarmed when the other desk girl insists you "might as well stay for (breasts) and (bottoms)" and then proceed to House of Torment.